Amid all the panic, national emergencies, political fearmongering, and theft (external link), I began meditating on the shortsightedness of the people and what this all means.
It made me think of a line from Men in Black. After seeing a shot of the Manhattan skyline, World Trade Center still standing, Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) is sitting on a bench with the not yet initiated Agent J (Will Smith). Agent J, not understanding why the Men in Black can’t tell people about aliens says:
“Why the big secret? People are smart, they can handle it.”
To which Agent K says, “A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.”
I’m not suggesting that it would’ve been better had the government tried to cover this whole thing up, but what’s happening now is an especially good example of what Agent K said.
A few questions that always come to mind for me in response to the oft silly actions of the populace:
“What are you gonna do when you run out of the toilet paper you hoarded and kept from those who might need it more than you?”
“What are you gonna do with all that extra toilet paper when this whole thing blows over and the shelves are restocked?”
“What are you gonna do with all those useless surgical masks you bought? Are you aware that they’re meant for protecting other people from YOUR germs and not the other way around?”
“What happens when you run out of water bottles?”
I realize most people aren’t interested in self-sufficiency or survival techniques. An even smaller group of people consider themselves preppers.
Fortunately for you, dear reader, I, in my humble glory and infinite wisdom, have always found survival and outdoorsman-y topics interesting. No, I am not a prepper, I just happen to think the stuff is cool.
So, without further ado, here are some tips to survive and rebuild when all is lost, your neighbors have died of unwiped bottoms, and you’ve just ran out of Spam.
For food:
- If you can get your hands on some seeds, you can grow food. Enough to feed yourself consistently and your fellow band of survivors? Maybe. Gotta have a lot of plants. I also understand that actually watering the plants you buy is the most difficult step in keeping a plant alive. Most of us just can’t bring ourselves to do it. The water pail is five feet away and it would take sixty seconds but we just. Can’t. Do it.
- Hunting is also a good way to obtain food and some more remote people already tend to rely on such methods. Of course, with no society, this means you’ll have to kill, skin, bleed, and butcher the animal yourself. I believe in you!
For water:
- Before modern water delivery methods, people used to dig wells, gather from streams with buckets, even collect rain water.
- Don’t forget to filter and boil if you’re not sure about the sanitation of the water. Alternating layers of sand and charcoal can make an effective water filter.
- If you have a dehumidifier and electricity, the air will give you free water! Thank you, Mother Nature.
For heat:
- Hearth.
- Dog snuggles.
For air conditioning:
- You’re screwed.
- Basement.
For fuel:
- Yeah that’s a tough one considering it comes from deep underground and unless you have access to oil drilling and refining facilities and the required knowledge, I don’t know how you’re gonna manage that one. Even if you go all Mad Max about it, it’s still gonna be a very limited resource.
- I have heard whispers that the Amish have a way of circumventing the entire fossil fuel thing. Perhaps if you can gain their trust they will impart their secrets unto you.
For butt-wiping:
Hiding in a toilet paper fort is all well and good. Butt what happens when you inevitably run out?
- * We could always revert to leaves. I personally recommend the Toxicodendron radicans plant. It’s very soft and offers a good amount of surface area with which to clean up your poopies.
- I suppose you could learn to create your own paper products. I have no idea how to make it from scratch other than that it comes from wood. Experiment! Involve your kids! It’ll be a fun activity for the little ankle-biters. If they don’t want to do it, you can always motivate them by telling them that whoever figures out how to make toilet paper first gets to wipe first. Friendly competition!
- Your little sister’s favorite shirt.
Of course, I’m being facetious (Some of the tips are genuine. For example, sand and charcoal actually do make a good water filter). You should listen to reasonable advice from people like healthcare professionals and the CDC.
My point is, look how easy it is for people to panic and act selfishly today. Don’t hoard things, it will be useless in the long run. Act reasonably, work together. Learning self-sufficiency and things that campers, hikers, backpackers, and otherwise outdoors-y people already know, would serve you better than cases of water and toilet paper.
Thank you for reading.
*Don’t come crying to me if you actually go wipe your ass with poison ivy.