A Reflection on Big Changes.
You might notice that my last post here was over two years ago. I’ve been suffering a severe case of writer’s block since then. This post is something like trying to force myself out of the writer’s block.
I am a writer; or at least, that is what I tend to call myself internally, and so writing “by force” is a necessary act. One of the most prodigious writers of our time, Brandon Sanderson, admits consistency is key for his writing.
Unprofessionalism notwithstanding, I recently started to reflect on exactly why I have been almost completely unable to write these last three years. If I’m being honest, it’s probably closer to four. I could only come up with one answer: My life changed significantly three years ago: I became an Orthodox Christian.
In fact, the very day I’m posting this marks three years since I first turned up to an Orthodox service. A few weeks later, I became a catechumen and was made a full member of the Church a year after that.
I notice more and more that Orthodoxy is very different from what passes for Christianity in the west (like this silliness). To explain how exactly, is difficult because I can’t say I understand it very well. I suppose that’s in part because it’s understood that the scholastic approach we Westerners have towards pretty much everything does no good for Christian matters. Not even from studying the Bible as if it were some kind of textbook is very effective, although; you’ll be hard pressed to find a priest who tells you to not read it. And woe to the one who does. My spiritual father often says, “Orthodoxy is not a religion, it is a way of life.” I went from agnostic (which I have taken to calling, “the coward’s atheism.” That’s what it was in my case at least) to Orthodox within the span of a few years. It’s a VERY new way of life.
I don’t plan to become some kind of evangelist (I understand we don’t do it the way the West does anyway) and I don’t plan on turning this into a, “Christian blog.” I’ll still write about whatever’s on my mind. Regardless of my plans for future writing, such a big change will have an effect on my actions. After all, in the past few years, I have realized just how frequently wrong I can be. Sometimes, it feels like I think one thing one day, and the very next day I realize it’s incorrect.
For example, the above mentioned last post, which I wrote when I was a catechumen, has held up decently-ish but I have no doubt that it would see a good amount of rewrites if I were to redo it now. My tattoo analysis is one of them. It seems like low hanging fruit and I’m probably wrong somewhere in my evaluation of them. Here is my new stance for this and many other things:
“I have often regretted the words I have spoken, but I have never regretted my silence.” – Venerable Arsenius the Great
But, as I said, that’s life. We’re almost always getting it wrong in one way or another, which is why we Orthodox are always asking for God’s mercy (meaning the fullness of His blessings. Not necessarily to be spared punishment). And so what’s to be done?
Press on anyway, trusting in God’s mercy.
Will I see an end to the (possibly self-imposed) crushing lack of writing for the last few years? Maybe. If God wills it. I’ve found that not much happens without that.
It seems to me that we often have to retreat and regroup after a big change. Like Saul withdrawing from public life for a while after his encounter on the road to Damascus (as featured in the cover photo) and reemerging later as Paul the Apostle. We might not be Saint Paul, but we can probably relate on a lower level. When something big happens, we have to take time to adjust.
I’ve been away from writing for at least three years. Maybe now is the time to get back into it. Even by force. Especially by force1.
- For any fellow creatives, check out this video, it was the impetus for this post, and maybe it’ll help you too. ↩︎